Changes

This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Andrew Nicholls (Temple Host) 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #3657

    My life at the moment is complicated and confused, my ex wife was diagnosed with lung cancer at the beginning of this year, she has bravely fought the illness and continues to do so. Watching the woman who had my four children,  and who I shared my adult life with, go through this saddens me. I worry for my children and grandchildren and how they will cope when they lose her, I worry for her and how she must feel; and I worry for my own future and how I’ll support them all. Although we separated many years ago and later divorced we remained close, Ive known her from her early teens and we have four children and seven grandchildren. So although we found we could no longer share a home we have to a large extent continued to share our lives. So I also worry for myself and how I’ll cope, this makes me feel selfish when I know she is suffering, it would have been her I’d look to to help support our family, and as I’ve no parents now it’s difficult to see where I’ll find the strength. I guess I’ll rely on my faith and hope that the Buddha will guide me. I’ve found that in this particular situation faith helps only at times, I have periods of panicking and deep sorrow for my family and the woman I loved. I remember our happy days and often find tears on my face when I didn’t realise I was weeping, she as she always has remained strong, I know she sees the pain and covers her own feelings to help me and our children. This is where I then feel even more pain and if I’m honest a lack of respect for myself for not being stronger for her. She must after all have such strong emotions at the moment not to mention pain and discomfort. I write about it in the hope that I’ll release some of my emotions and be braver. Although if I ever wondered about suffering I feel it now in so many ways and watch it in my children and little grandchildren. I’d like to end with words of wisdom or some antidote but I’m afraid there are none. I hope my faith and the love of my family will make me stronger and support me to support all of them. And I hope that one day I may have half the strength that my ex wife has.
    Love to all

    Namo Amida Bu.

  • #3658

    clare
    Participant

    Namo Amida Bu

  • #3659

    Dear Andrew,

    Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine what you and your family are feeling. Faith is a strange thing, it does not stop emotions coming up and it does not stop grief or sorrow, and sometimes they come up so strongly the cover everything up – like thick dark clouds in a winter storm – and yet even in the midst of all of that sometimes I manage to remember that the sun is shining up there somewhere, even if I can’t see it.

  • #3660

    Peter Adamson
    Participant

    I hope you find some peace of mind soon Andrew.  Namo Amida Bu

  • #3662

    Thank you for those words Kaspa, I do try to remember this. Thank you too Peter.

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